How am I going to do this? It is a question I have asked myself plenty of times since my separation and divorce. Once there were two of us who could tackle a problem. Now there is only me. Sometimes I ask it as a matter of problem solving. Other times it is exasperation when the problem at hand seems larger than the means to solve it.
More often than not, it is an existential question. I ask this as I sit at the kitchen table looking at a spotty resume, no job, and limited dollars in the bank. I ask this question with hands raised in the air to some deity who has abandoned me,or at least my car, along the side of the road. I have asked myself this as I felt the weight and numbness of my right leg that signals I am having a multiple sclerosis exacerbation. I have asked myself this as I look over the 7 acres, big garden, solid but old house, one ram and one goat that remain of our flock of sheep, car with a cracked head; all at the end of a two mile dirt road. I ask this quietly to myself before I tell my sweet, sweet six year old boy that his father is moving out of the house. I ask this late at night when the prospect of being a single mother for a second time seems daunting and exhausting.
Inevitably, the question is answered. Sometimes my close friend Google is right there to help me. Google and I will meet over a cup of coffee. Google shares with me the secrets to jumping a battery. Advice that not every friend can share. Google has great crock pot recipes. Who knew the Googs was so resourceful in the kitchen? Google helps me learn about difficult personalities and how to handle them.
Other times I swallow my pride and ask for help. I reveal my lack of income to a case worker for food assistance. Steroid therapy is 5 days in a row. The out patient infusion room is not kid friendly. Good friends watch my son. Family helps with a car repair. I find that it is in the asking and receiving that I have become a better person. Grateful for my blessings I acknowledge my place in the tribe and give where and when I can; even if it is a drive-by hug of a good friend. It’s a karma thing.
Finally, the answer to “how am I going to do this,” is I am going to do it because I have to. Whatever it is. I am just going to do it. I have worked many odd jobs over the last few years that I was unsure I was capable of doing. I have hauled hay, chased cows, wiped the spit of an alpaca off my pants, tackled an exuberant farm dog in the dark, stayed up late into the evening piecing together knitted hats. I am going to solve a problem because I am the primary caregiver of my son. I gave birth to my boy. In the throws of labor I did not question how I was going to deliver the baby. I just did it.
There is an internal fortitude that we all possess. And there are moments that require we tap into it. There are times in life that are hard. But they are are not hard all the time. Each day comes and then it ends. Before you know it you are not asking yourself,” How am I going to do this?” You stand with hands on your hips like a superhero and you say, ” Look what I have done!”
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